A Beautiful Disaster
by FairyLightsAndGlitter
Summary: "He was in many ways still the boy she had called an 'arrogant toerag' countless times before, but no matter how many times she tried to convince herself of this, she remembered something funny he'd said, or the way she'd felt when he hugged her goodbye. The facts remained the same: she was happy because of James Potter, who was not the arsehole she had always believed him to be."
1. Chapter 1

Lily Evans woke up with a sigh as she took in her surroundings; she was at home. In her dream she'd been at Hogwarts, practicing Potions and wandering along the grounds with her friends, but seeing her bland pale yellow bedroom walls around her brought her back to the Muggle world with an unwelcome bump. It wasn't that she didn't love her family and her childhood home, it was just that she didn't feel like she belonged there anymore.

Lily dragged herself out of bed and put her green dressing gown on over her pyjamas and her matching slippers on her feet. She then wandered downstairs with the intention of getting herself some cereal or something for breakfast. Unfortunately, someone was already in the kitchen; Petunia sat alone at the table, flicking through what Lily assumed was another ridiculous muggle gossip magazine…

"Freak. Why can't you just fuck off and go back to your freak school early?" were Petunia's words as Lily Evans entered the kitchen. Instead of considering her response carefully, Lily's quick temper rushed in immediately:

"Unfortunately I can't Petunia, so you're stuck with me until you decide to get off your arse, get a job and move out. But don't you worry, I've got all kinds of homework to get done. Want to help me with my essay on the Goblin rebellions of 1686? Or maybe you could help write my essay on the theory behind the Draught of Living Death? Oh wait, you can't because you're a muggle who dropped out of uni and I'm a witch who attends Hogwarts, sorry about that." she said, giving her 19 year old sister a challenging look. Today Lily felt like being a bitch, despite knowing how horrible she'd feel later.

"I hate you Lily Evans. We might technically be related, but as far as I'm concerned, we're not sisters and never will be again. So you go off and shag that freaky Snape kid, get married and have ugly ginger babies with beaks for noses who can all do your freakish shit. And when you get there, don't forget not to write to me. I want you out of my life for good. Ugh, why can't anyone else see what a waste of space you are except me?" Petunia whispered menacingly, giving Lily a look she was used to receiving only from the nastiest of the Slytherins. Lily ran out of the kitchen and up to her bedroom without another word.

She collapsed face down onto her bed and screamed into the pillow. She'd done it again. Risen to Petunia's bait. All it had taken was a simple jibe and Lily had launched herself in headfirst, forgetting how much her sister's words could cut her into pieces when her words only angered Petunia and inspired more hate for the sister she'd once been best friends with… And speaking of best friends, she'd had to comment on Snape too, hadn't she? She'd had to accidentally remind Lily of the betrayal of just one month ago which was still fresh in her mind.

It was jealousy. Lily was aware of that. Petunia had never been able to get over the fact that Lily had access to this whole over amazing world and school and future, when she was stuck in the dull town of Southwick until she found a way to escape. But Lily knew that Petunia had no imagination, and couldn't see herself anywhere outside the South of England. Yet knowing it was jealousy and a childhood grudge almost made it all the more painful- Petunia could easily have apologised at any moment, even today Lily would have accepted her sister's love without a second's hesitation. But it had been nearly 6 years, and Petunia still wasn't over it.

And with Severus? Lily supposed that there was nothing she could have done to stop him changing eventually, except maybe given him what he was after. Though that would have been impossible, Lily had never been able to feel anything but friendship for him. Well now she didn't even feel friendship, now she just felt betrayal, anger and a bit of sadness when it came to Severus and their lost friendship.

Lily sobbed into her pillow for a short while, then did her best to put herself back together. That was one of the rules she had given herself a long time ago; she was allowed to cry and be sad, but then she had to get back up again and paint a smile on her face until the paint faded to become a genuine one. Usually, this worked perfectly. Lily had always prided herself on the control she had over herself most of the time. She decided that going out for a walk might help clear her head from anger and sadness at Petunia- providing Severus wasn't around. She did not want another reminder of how people had changed towards her.

* * *

It was almost lunchtime and as Lily wandered through the town centre she felt a little better, but she was bored and not at all ready to go home; Southwick could be such a dreary place for a friendless teenage witch home for the summer. Wanting to act like a muggle teenager, she decided to act on impulse and get a train to Brighton, the large seaside town nearby. It was a haunt of all local muggles her age, for there were lots of shops, a large beach, a cinema and a large pier with a funfair at the end of it. Lily hadn't been to Brighton since she was about 10, when she went on all the rides with her dad and Petunia. Part of the reason she hadn't returned in so long was that it made her miss the 'Tuney' of the old days.

Sitting on the train was a relaxing experience for Lily, it almost reminded her of the Hogwarts Express and helped with her school-sickness for a bit. She sat quietly in her seat and people-watched: there was an old lady with a lot of shopping bags sitting a few seats across from her, she seemed to be fast asleep, there also happened to be a few mothers with small children in push chairs, laden down with picnic baskets. And then there were…no, it couldn't be…

It was them. And they'd seen her.

Two dark haired boys approached her. Both were tall and both wore the same amused yet delighted expressions on their faces. One had straight black chin-length hair and was wearing a T shirt with a muggle rock band on it. The other had incredibly messy black hair, rectangular glasses and wore a bright red T shirt with a stag printed on the front in yellow. Though Lily hated to admit it, both boys were also incredibly good looking.

"Lily Evans! Fancy seeing you here, give old Padfoot a squeeze, eh? No? Fine then, bruise my poor deflated ego…" the obnoxious voice of Sirius Black was far too loud. Sirius was the best friend of James Potter. The same James Potter who was the bane of Lily's Hogwarts existence. The same James Potter who had just sat down beside his best friend across from her on the train and was now grinning mischievously at seeing a flustered Lily without her Prefect privileges or supportive girlfriends. Shit.

"So what are you two doing here?" asked Lily sullenly, doing her best not to look at them properly. She didn't want them noticing the relief in her eyes at seeing somewhat friendly faces. Relieved to see Potter and Black?! That was a first. What was wrong with her?

"Well I live nearby and me and Pads felt like coming up to Brighton to experience a bit of muggle leisure time and maybe find some hot muggle girls to chat up. And yourself, lovely Miss Evans?" James replied with a wink. Lily felt herself blushing a little, she'd accidentally looked into his hazel eyes as he'd been speaking. What?! She disliked Potter, he definitely did not make her blush.

"I live nearby as well and just felt like I had to escape it all for a bit, felt like wandering around or something." Lily told James, surprised at how honest she was being towards him.

"Hmm, I guess we all feel pretty trapped at times. Wanna wander and do 'or something' with us?" asked James, he said this all mildly suggestively but had a kind smile on his face. He seemed understanding of her, that was… different.

"Yeah, you should join us Lily! You can help us be convincing Muggles as well, I might be a fucking genius when it comes to Muggle Studies, but I'm not too good at using my skills in real life…" Sirius trailed off and laughed quietly to himself, obviously remembering a failed past experience in the muggle world.

"Padfoot here managed to go the wrong way up an escapator on the station of underground when we were in London the other day and then started panicking and caused a minor commotion, it was pretty funny!" James filled Lily in on the inside joke. Lily smiled a little, it was a funny image, though James clearly needed a bit of help using Muggle words.

"Shut up Prongsy! You're the one who almost asked where the racing brooms were in that sports shop!" Sirius responded, nudging his friend and laughing. James muttered to himself and ran a hand through his hair and pushed his glasses up. Lily sighed at this familiarly annoying movement of his.

"Whatever. I think I'd make a better Muggle than you would any day!" James claimed, he and Sirius seemed to be getting competitive over this. Why were boys so determined to make things into a competition?

"Five Galleons says that by the end of the day, Lily will tell me I'm better at being non magical than you!"

"Make it ten and we have a deal, mate," the two shook on it.

"And do I get any say in whether I have to put up with the pair of you for the day?" Lily asked, trying to sound a bit irritated. She wasn't really, it was nice to have people to spend the day with, even if it was the two most arrogant arses at Hogwarts. They seemed to be on better behaviour here, which was refreshing.

"I suppose you do but I would really love it if you came with us, Lily. I promise to rein in my ego a bit. Might be difficult though, as I am pretty amazing!" James joked, giving Lily another reassuring glance.

Who was this and what had he done to the real James Potter? The James Potter who was childish and annoying and made stupid jokes out of everything? This James Potter seemed genuinely amusing and was laughing at himself a bit- how out of character! Lily was confused.

"Oh, alright then. It beats spending the day alone, I guess." she replied, giving him a tentative smile. He grinned back as though she'd just made his day by agreeing and smiling. Why?!

* * *

"This is bloody boring! Brooms are so much faster and so much more exciting! Do people really get enjoyment out of such a dreary ride?" complained James, as he and Lily drove around in a dodgem as they waited for Sirius to finish flirting with a bunch of muggle girls nearby.

"Yeah, I suppose they do. I used to enjoy this when I was younger, actually. But magic makes all this muggle stuff seem so tame and so dull! Oh well, this is better than awkwardly wandering around my own town feeling bored!" Lily laughed, completely forgetting that this was James Potter, arrogant arsehole of the century, she was chatting to so easily.

The pair climbed out of the disappointing little cars and began to walk towards Sirius, James cracking a joke now and then and making Lily giggle.

"I like it when you laugh, Lily. You seem more relaxed and free here than at school, is there a reason for that?" he asked her, giving her a thoughtful look.

"I'm not sure, to be honest with you. I had a crappy morning and just felt like I needed to do something different to calm down and feel better, because pretending wasn't working…" Lily had no idea why she was saying this to James Potter, the boy who pissed her off daily when at school and was often the reason she had to pretend.

"What do you mean about pretending?" asked James, sounding kind of concerned. Lily bit her lip, she'd already said too much to the boy she thought she disliked…

Before Lily could answer, Sirius bounded up to the pair of them:

"I got a date with this fit blonde girl! Meet you back at the station at 5?" he asked excitedly, giving James a wink and grinning at Lily cheerfully. Lily marvelled at how filled with energy Sirius was; he was so loud and exuberant and always moving that sometimes just watching him was tiring! He kind of reminded her of Tigger, from the Winnie The Pooh stories she'd read as a child.

Sirius wandered off, hand in hand with a pretty blonde girl. James and Lily shared an amused look, before each looked away awkwardly- it felt weird to be so synchronised in that moment. And the bad thing for Lily was that it was a good kind of weird.

"So shall we get some food, Lily? You can assess my skills at dining in a Muggle restaurant or something. Though I've obviously won my bet with Sirius, seeing as he's fucked off with that girl and will probably do something stupid and wizard like!"

"Yeah, I'm pretty hungry I suppose, do we have enough muggle money?" Lily asked, she was pretty low on muggle currency right now, having spent most of what she'd had on her on her train fare and the few disappointing rides they'd been on.

"I have plenty, I'll pay."

"Are you sure? I've probably got enough to buy like-"

"Hush, Evans. I am the spoilt only child of the Potter family and I have plenty to share. Anyway, this way I can pretend we're on a date," he winked; but as Lily seemed about to protest, he quickly said: "But I know that we aren't. Though it will happen, Lily. Some day you will say yes."

Lily would have argued, but she really didn't have the energy. Besides, his confidence was pretty endearing in odd way, he somehow didn't seem to be as arrogant as usual. Bloody hell, she liked something about James Potter. This was worrying, very worrying.

* * *

Half an hour later, the two were seated in a restaurant on the pier waiting for their food. Their conversation had been easy; playful banter and jokes that actually made Lily laugh. She was still unused to getting along this well with James Potter, but was having too much fun to question it properly.

"So I've been putting off asking this and I'm absolutely not complaining, but why are you not angry or annoyed at me today, Miss Evans?" James asked just as the waitress had finished serving them their food.

"I don't really know, if I'm honest. I guess that after everything that went down last year, things seem slightly different- though I don't know why. Also, I'm not angry or annoyed because you're not being infuriating or annoying today!" she finished, smiling at him as she picked up her knife and fork.

"Wow! That's practically a compliment coming from you Lils, I'm touched, truly touched.." James replied, pretending to wipe a tear away, then smirking and messing his hair up in his usual annoying way. He then began eating, pausing now and then to comment on how strangely he thought some muggles were dressed.

Lily sat back and smiled, she was still surprised at how happy and incredibly comfortable she felt sitting with James Potter in a muggle restaurant. Today was a good day. Sometimes it amazed her how quickly things could turn around; earlier that day she'd felt like she was falling apart again, but now she felt more together than she had in a long time. Today was a good day and for the first time, James Potter was the reason for her smile. And just for today, Lily told herself that was okay; things would go back to normal when they got back to Hogwarts, she was sure…


	2. Chapter 2

Even after she had been home from Brighton for hours, Lily couldn't seem to let go of the jittery happiness or smile on her face that had been there after spending a couple of hours just with James Potter. There was something about him, Lily thought, just something about him that made her happy. And after saying goodbye to james and Sirius at the train station, she had decided that there was no point fighting the way he made her feel. Admittedly, he hadn't always made her feel so happy, usually he had made her feel downright furious. But in those few hours she had spent with him, she had realised that James himself hadn't made her angry, it was just that some of his actions made her angry. James himself was very different, she was beginning to learn. She didn't know if it would stay this way, but right now she felt as though she was starting to get to know the stupidly tall, skinny boy with the messy hair and crooked glasses for real. And what she now knew, she really liked.  
She knew she was getting ahead of herself, that James was in many ways still the boy she had called an 'arrogant toerag' countless times before, but no matter how many times she tried to convince herself of this, she remembered something funny he had said, or the way she had felt when he hugged her goodbye. The facts remained the same: she had had a great day and she had had a great day thanks to James Potter, who was not the arsehole she had always imagined him to be.

Lily smiled at her reflection in the mirror, removing all traces of the mascara she had applied that morning. It was strange, she thought, how much one chance meeting had completely changed her mood. Had she stayed at home and moped around and complained at herself for having already completed her holiday homework, she would be lying in bed right now feeling sorry for herself. Instead, she was feeling more alive than she had all summer, and she was smiling uncontrollably at the thought of the boy she had always claimed to hate with a vengeance. She was pleased that Mary wasn't going to be arriving until tomorrow afternoon, because Mary had a disgusting habit of being right, and Mary had told her that James and Sirius weren't so bad once you got to know them and that she really should give James a chance to prove her wrong. Lily hated admitting she was wrong, although she felt that maybe she would at some point have to admit out loud for real that James Potter was not the boy she had always thought he was and that that made her smile far more than she had done in ever such a long time.

Still unable to stop thinking about him, Lily wondered if James had meant it when he'd told her he'd write to her. She hoped he had, because she didn't like the nagging thought she kept having that maybe their day together hadn't really meant as much to him as it had to her. Today had been special, and she really hoped that he'd detected the change too.  
She kept considering these things again and again as she put on her pretty green patterned pyjamas and climbed into bed, hoping that sleep would find her soon just to shut up her dizzy, sixteen year old, getting-ahead-of-itself brain.

It didn't, of course and at nearly midnight, Lily sat up, got out of bed and fetched some parchment and a quill. And, telling herself it was stupid for her to sit around waiting for a boy to write when she was just as capable of writing to him first, Lily gathered her thoughts and began her first ever letter to James Potter. However, just minutes later a large brown owl flew through her slightly open window and dropped a letter into Lily's lap. The owl flew out, and Lily looked at the writing on the front of the envelope. She was surprised to immediately recognise James's messy scrawl and so eagerly opened the letter and began to read:

_Dear Lily, (is it okay if I call you that? I know I'm probably still Potter to you but 'Evans' sounds a bit formal given that today I finally felt I got to know you for real!)_

_Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed today and also to formally apologise for the stuff with Snape back in May. It was wrong of me to attack him that time the way I did and I wanted you to know that I really regret it and I'm sorry that it lead to you getting hurt. I care about you Lily, I need you to know that. I need you to understand that I really do care about you and it isn't just one of my stupid jokes. _  
_I don't know why I suddenly felt the need to tell you all of that, but I did and I do and I am glad I've said it. _

_I think you are very lovely and I really loved seeing you today and I hope I can see more of you in the future... well, the very near future if I'm being honest. _  
_My parents are hosting a summer barbeque on Wednesday and I wanted to invite you. Me, Sirius, Peter and Remus will obviously be there. So will the Longbottoms and the Prewetts and the McKinnons and it would be great if you brought Mary along too because Sirius won't admit it but I know he misses her and I think he needs to talk to her as she's one of the few who can ever help him when he gets bad like this.. You see, I'm a bit worried about him right now (please don't tell anybody any of this!) and I'm about to tell you why to save any awkward questions and because I really need to tell someone outside of my mates and my parents._

_Well, Sirius is now living with me. He had a terrible, terrible fight with his parents and ran away, getting disowned and cut off in the process. He pretends to be fine with it and acts like moving in with us is the greatest thing to have ever happened to him. But it's shit, really. Because although it's beyond great that he really is my brother now and that he has my parents to take care of him and love him the way his never did, that doesn't change the fact that he had to put up with that family of his for so long, or the fact that they never loved him like the rest of us do, or the fact that because he was different they decided he was unworthy... I love him, Lily. He is my brother and I would be lost without him and he has done some completely terrible, mental shit over the years and I nearly stopped speaking to him for good back in May, but it makes me so fucking angry that his parents were like that towards him, so unable to accept him and love him for who he is. And when we got home today he wandered off on his own for a bit and I saw him sitting alone in the garden and looking so lost, but then my mum came out and saw him and held him and the look of relief and surprise on his face broke my heart into pieces because he had never had that- ever! I just couldn't imagine anyone having gone without that kind of family love and affection and I was happy that he was getting it at last, but so so so sad that it had taken this long... _  
_But then that made me think of what you were saying about how your mother died last year and it broke my heart even more because I hadn't even known it had happened, let alone how much you were hurting. I hadn't known because you hadn't really told anyone, let alone me. And that was because we weren't friends because I was too busy focusing on being a completely idiotic egotistical twat and on trying to get together with you, although I had romanticised you into nothing but a feisty, beautiful girl who could do no wrong. Really, I should have been being more mature and thoughtful and I should have got to know you for the person I am discovering you are, how real and how flawed and how special and how beautiful and strong and incredible you are. _

_Today was so special to me, Lily. Was it to you? I hope it was because I really want a second chance and I really hope you don't think I'm a twat for pouring all of this out to you in a letter that probably woke you up. Well, I am a twat, so it makes sense for you to think that. But I am working on being a more mature twat because I realised recently that growing up is inevitable and that I'm only going to sixteen and 'invincible' for so long... _  
_And I'm already feeling less invincible, Lily. All the bad shit happening in the news, it's all so real now and that scares me shitless. My dad was head of the Auror Department and recently retired, but he's getting all these owls about stuff and it's terrifying, Lily, it really really is. Everything is all dark and it's not going to go away anytime soon. I was hoping that we could all deny it at least until we finished Hogwarts, but I know that it's not really going to happen. People are dying, good people are dying, Aurors who were always in and out of my house when I was little to see my dad are dying. People's families are being killed, everyone is getting so so scared. And I want to be a proper Gryffindor, I want to not be afraid. But I am._  
_I fucking hate being afraid, Lily. It makes me feel really inadequate and like I've fallen short of the person I try to be and the person I expect myself to be. I am strong, Lily, that's my job, that's what I do! I have to be strong for everyone and I hate it, I hate that I am expected to be this strong, brave person and I hate the expectations that are on me. It's not like I'm going to give up on it or anything, just that I am a bit exhausted right now, and sometimes it's not too easy to find strength. I mean, it goes without saying that I will fight to the end, all I am saying is that it isn't always easy to keep it up. _

_I think I'm telling you all of this because you're the one person who's ever treated me the way I deserved to be treated! You're the one who called me out on my dickhead behaviour, even though I was too blind and arrogant to see it then! I see it now, though, and I'm not saying that I'll stop breaking rules or pulling off incredible pranks, but the unprovoked corridor jinxes will stop, definitely. And I will stop picking fights with Slytherins, no matter how huge our rivalries might be. I want to be a good person, Lily, and I know that deep down I am, so I just have to get rid off all the arsehole behaviour and then I should be on the right track. So yeah, thank you for yelling at me and keeping me grounded- it's funny, because I never imagined thanking you for the rejection- but here we are! _

_But right now, I just really want to get to know you better and I want to be your friend because you make me really happy and I just loved being around you like today, all peaceful and happy and easy. I loved laughing with you and talking about all the things we'd never had a chance to talk about at school. I hope you feel the same, I really do, because I promise you that I am more than the arrogant twat I have been in the past and I want you to know that I will always care about you and always be there for you whenever you need me. I meant what I said, Lily, I really hope the two of us have a 'someday' but even now I don't think I'll ever be able to explain the way I've felt about you since I was eleven years old. It's always been you, Lily, but it can wait because I care about you for real now, not just in the detached 'she is lovely and beautiful and will love me eventually' way I had cared about you before, if that makes much sense (ha, it doesn't)_  
_So anyway, I know I've made a complete prat of myself in the past and I know I sound like a complete prat in this letter and I'm really seriously considering not sending it. But it's half past eleven and I just know that I'll always regret it if I just screw this parchment up and hope to someday have all the words again. I don't have all the words now and I doubt I ever will, but I hope these are enough for now. Enough to show you how much I care and how much today meant to you and how badly I want to know you for real and I want you to know me for real. I really hope I haven't woken you up with this letter and I really hope you and Mary can come to the barbeque on Wednesday and I really hope you write back. Seriously, I will probably embarrass myself in front of Sirius by doing a little happy dance if I see anything with your loopy pretty girly handwriting on! _

_Love James_

With a stupidly huge smile on her face, Lily picked up her quill again and immediately began to write back to him, her sentences running into each other as she stumbled over herself, words pouring out as she told him that yes, 'Lily' was just fine, accepted his apologies and his invitation and eagerly told him how she had felt the same about their day together, she also told him how she had been so wrong about him before, and how she knew he was the good person he aspired to be, that he already was, really. Lily told James that she too would love to become friends and get to know him for real, because he meant a lot to her too. She confided in him how afraid she often was to talk about her mother, even to Mary, because people just didn't seem to understand. She wrote that she was also growing afraid of all of the darkness surrounding the world she now knew and loved with everything she had, but that there was nothing wrong with being scared, with having trouble finding strength. Finally, she told James how pleased she was that he had sent it, because she had been just about to write to him as well, but would maybe have ended up feeling too afraid and self conscious to actually send it to him.

After she'd finished writing, Lily folded the letter up and gave it to James's owl, who had been sitting on her bookshelf, waiting for her to complete the letter for his master. Stroking the owl, Lily opened her bedroom window slightly wider and let the owl and the letter filled with everything she was at that moment fly into the night and to James, wherever it was he lived with his parents and Sirius. Closing the window, Lily got back into her bed and fell asleep with the same embarrassing, soppy grin on her face.


End file.
